I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
