There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
