just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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