Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
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