oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
