I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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