I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
