remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
