Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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