Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
