I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
