she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
