I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
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