I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize