We're like a lot better than the average bears
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
