u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
