she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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