Jerry, you need to find god
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
The cops high fived after they tackled you
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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