I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
