i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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