My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
