I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
