I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Green mimosas i think yes
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Drunk is a universal language darling
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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