Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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