you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
