i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
