Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
