He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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