nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
