I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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