Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
