A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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