Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
