I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
did i walk over a car last night?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Randomize