So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Everyone says I win the strip club
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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