I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
