Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
