I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
this must be what syphilis tastes like
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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