Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
