She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
