nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
