i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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