Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
