Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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