last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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