I'm laying in your front yard are you home
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize