you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
