My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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