Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize