i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
