I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
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