I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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