Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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