I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
The Olympian is in my bed
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
why does every cop we meet know your name?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
