There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
