New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
My penis needs a shock collar
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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