OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
