SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
