I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
