Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
