Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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