My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
