so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
