if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
