Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i wish my penis had a tongue
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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